The Truth in Dating Quiz: How Safe Do You Feel to "Show Up" Real?

This short quiz can help you see if you tend to “relate” openly (which tends to increase your energy and your attractiveness) or if you tend to use “self-protective control patterns” which tend to create tension and distance between you and your partners.

For each item decide if the answer is “generally true of me.” Remember:

• These answers are general interpretations.
• Truth telling and openness are powerful skills that CAN BE LEARNED (see “The Ten Truth Skills” in the books “Getting Real” and “Truth in Dating”). One of the most important truth skills is knowing your intent: do you want to relate or control?
• There is a difference between truth telling and “brutal honesty.” The Ten Truth Skills help you practice honesty courageously and compassionately. If you fear that your honesty could be taken wrong, it’s OK to say something like “my intention here is to help us get closer, not to hurt or offend you.”

The Quiz Question #1 After a first or second date, if my date asks, “Do you want to get together again soon?” and I do not want to see this person again, I would probably say “Yes,” and then call later to cancel. Question #2 If someone asked me (after we’d been on a few dinner dates) to describe my ideal mate in detail, I would give a detailed answer, even if my answer included qualities that this person did not possess. Question #3 If I’d been on a few dates with someone whom I otherwise found very attractive, and this person had consistently had bad breath, and it was really unpleasant for me, I would find a way to tell the person directly and gently that their breath odor bothered me. Question #4 If my date shared negative gossip about a mutual friend, I would tell him that I was feeling uncomfortable, angry, or whatever I was actually feeling rather than remaining silent. Question #5 If I were attracted to someone, but had no idea how this person felt about me, I would play it safe. I’d wait to find out how the person felt about me before disclosing my feelings of attraction. Question #6 If my date told me I had a nice body, I would probably either say something nice about him, or offer some other comeback (rather than simply receiving the compliment). Question #7 If someone whom I like put pressure on me to spend time with him at a time when I really wanted to do something else, I would not mention that I had wanted to do something else, even though I still preferred to do this other thing. I would give up my other plans. Question #8 If my date cancelled on me at the last minute, and I was really hurt or angry about it, I would tell him or her about my feelings. Question #9 If my date was talking nonstop on a topic that did not interest me, I would try to act interested. Question #10 If my date felt hurt feelings about something I said and he told me about it, I would appreciate it. Question #11 If, on a first date, my date asked me, “Do you have any health problems?” and I had herpes, I would not tell him at that point. Question #12 If my date told me he or she was seeking a sexually monogamous relationship, and I knew I did not want that, I would say so.

What do your responses reveal about you?

In the items where your answer showed a tendency to play it safe or control the outcome, here are some questions to ask yourself:

1. What "reasons" do I generally give to rationalize my controlling behavior? Do I say things to myself like, "It's not a good time," "He or she won't be able to handle it," or "My feelings are my responsibility, so why burden others with my stuff?" (Just notice this self talk, and see what you are avoiding by not speaking honestly.)

2. Is there perhaps a part of my own shadow that I don't want to see? Or that I don't want others to see?

3. What do I really fear could happen if I expressed myself transparently?

4. If this did happen, do I trust that I could handle it?

The practice of TRUTH IN DATING helps you develop a deep and abiding sense of self-trust in the face of "the unknown. Every time you speak honestly, you are in a sense stepping into unknown territory with another. This practice, over time, will teach you not to believe your fears. Often our fears are our attempts to know that which cannot (yet) be known. Fears are meant to be felt, and at times expressed; but they are not to be confused with what is real. Fears are about the future. Reality is in each present moment.

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